Osteoporosis and more, chronic case for David _{Page 4 of 16}

Since I have not been rereading my posts, are those from what I just wrote? Am I giving you what you are after if I do the same for the new list you just posted?

I just was not sure if I should be writing in or out of context of where I used the word originally.

I'm I giving too much or too little info?

Will try to do....

Do you just need the recent new list or the rest of the long list of words from before?

'I am really most interested in:'

Shut down - close, protect from too much overload of any kind, limit thoughts to try to keep calm, response to overload and/or threat, try to shut out all external noise so to quiet the overwhelming thoughts, confusion and internal noise in my mind and heart.


Retreat - pull back before I enter state of overload of thoughts or feelings which usually greatly provokes flared health issues. Find an 'island of peace' as best and complete as I am able to. Quiet my mind and body by withdrawing from building high stress. Try to go someplace peaceful physically or mentally to relax myself and allow myself the illusion that the awful thoughts, memories, dangers are not able to hurt me.


Floating - ahhhh floating. Peace in body and mind. Safe, sensual, completely relaxed, able to breathe deeply and aware of the rhythms of my breath, the sensual feel of air or water supporting me in a most nurturing way. Nothing threatening. The womb.


Invisible - free from impending embarrassment and danger. But can also feel like I need help so badly but nobody cares to see me or help me. Confusing. If I died at home nobody would even bother to check on me or find me until after I had been dead for a month. Very nice men my type do not see me at all my whole life i seem totally invisible but invisible keeps me safe from humiliation and rejection also.

Waves - the rythmic, powerful energy that brings a flood of strong sensation and then takes it away. Often repeated over and over like a dance of hypnotic pleasure or a building sense of danger that gets bigger and more threatening each wave. Being washed over by emotion or physical sensation.

Resurface - After retreating to save
my psyche and physical health from huge, overwhelming dangerous intensity, once I am able to find calm and safety and breathe without the threat of total attack and chaos in my mind, i finally try to crawl out of my seemingly safer cave to once again try to connect with others. It is always hard and never with excitement and real optimism. But I try to pick myself up and brave my limited world in society. I try so hard to be light and grounded, not expect the same old feelings, fears, humiliation, but happens. Over and over through my whole life. I think I have become harder, trying to have a shell of safety to protect my super-sensitive self.... but...







[message edited by tahbi on Thu, 27 Oct 2011 18:25:25 BST]
[message edited by tahbi on Thu, 27 Oct 2011 18:56:58 BST]

Whew!!!

Thank, David. Validation is sooo important for me. That may be the first writing in 59 years that I just forced myself to write no matter how hard and loaded and did not edit or tear up paper after paper to get it right. As I mentioned in a previous post, being across the world from each other does have it's great benefits.

Many memories are popping up but I won't write them up until I know you want to know them. There is also loads of 'stuff' from the last six years that lead another homeopath to Anacardium, an experience I never want to repeat.

The following web page will most likely guide you further. Please let me know as soon as you grab the link to your computer so I can delete it from my post sooner rather than later. You can read it after. I can give you more info about it after also, as it fits right in with those words.



Thanks, David.
[message edited by tahbi on Fri, 28 Oct 2011 01:05:03 BST]

Okay. Did you grab that link yet? Let me know and I will delete it. From the link you can get to pictures of my past work. The descriptions of the pieces and the pictures that you can click to enlarge could help you.

Thanks, I needed to delete the link fast.

The thing about that work is that it fits in where you are heading I think. Maybe not, but I thought you should know that that hollow turning only lasted for six years and it was obsessive. It was like I was searching and searching for the inside of the bubbles I floated in as a kid. The pictures left on that web site were just a very few of well over a hundred. I barely came out as an artist just five years before my creativity and passion would end abruptly right after the death of my father, the death of my beloved cat, and severe menopausal and mastocytosis symptoms. Many collectors thought my pieces were 'vaginal' like Georgia O'Keeffe's paintings... but they were not. They were an obsession of hollowing out and exploring with all of my senses a very similar sensation as the bubbles I floated in... or maybe the womb of my Mom which I certainly was not ready to leave (I was induced too early).

For those pieces, I would wake up hours before dawn with a creative dream. I would get dressed and go out to the barn where I would grab the first chunk of wood I was drawn to (it was dark). I would chuck it up on the lathe and rough it out. Then the next thing I noticed was hours later, when I would be aware of that same rhythm I mentioned to you about in skating and swimming. It was the very same hypnotic rhythm between the sound of my breath and the sound of the gouge blade against the wood piece. My body was in the rhythm also... so graceful and hypnotic... just like swimming and skating, and maybe in some way like floating in the bubble. At the same time I became aware of that experience I would still be in a trance-like state and be re-dreaming the same dream I awoke to that early morning. Then I would be aware of patterns of light, both from the phoebe birds flying through the shop from the window to their nest, and also the dawn light arriving outside in the periphery of my vision that only then would reveal the piece of art in front of me.

I was obsessed. It was so out of the realm of anyone I told. But the images of floating in the bubbles never disappeared for long. The swirling rainbow colors I marveled at while floating inside the bubbles was replaced by my complete attention on the shape and swirling colors of the piece on the lathe that was created when I was very far away.

I have never been able to write that out before. Do you see why I thought I should bring it up?

I have pictures of other pieces that I think you would find linked to this whole theme. I don't want to post them on the forum but I could sent them on your email if you would like.

This is very unusual for me David. In the last six years I have gone to that site only once or twice. The few pieces I have left here have haunted me greatly. I can't even look at them. I have even burned many pieces in my despair and grief and so much more I am not able to put words to.

The loss of my creativity and those powerful dreams that woke me with guidance every single morning from early childhood until the first awful, physically painful night drenches of menopause left me in a very similar state as I have witnessed my Mom go through and many others with Alzheimer's also. Waking up one day and everything has changed. Everything looks different. Everything feels different. Everywhere I escaped to in order to save my life over and over again was no longer there for me. To say I had been haunted is an understatement. Magnesium oil has been the only thing to break the pattern of five years, every single morning waking up from sleep in a total hell of grief, fear, hopelessness,... everything bad... even before I would open my eyes. The magnesium oil has helped me stay alive and put one foot in front of the other... palliate better than anything else. Obviously the source of dis-ease is huge.

Hey... if you need any references for your psychotherapy skills just let me know..... LOL!

I definately can get images, David. But right now I'm fried from re-experiencing what I just wrote in the last few posts. I need a break and will write about them tomorrow. Maybe what I wrote seems very different from what I was feeling but it's huge and has been huge. I need to retreat and breathe and regain safety.

'Til
tomorrow

Hi David, I am feeling really wiped out. I will try my best to describe the words but thought I should update a bit.

Last night I felt lighter and more optimistic after all of that 'exposing my soul' but this morning I woke up into deeper heaviness, deep sadness, and my body feels very heavy and sore also. The phrase that kept coming to me from within was 'burst my bubble'. I could not really cope with anything this morning and am still feeling very lethargic and down. Many traumatic memories have been coming up from my past and it's pretty overwhelming because I still feel like I am a vulnerable child at 59 years of age. I still don't know what it feels like to laugh out freely or just be with other people without being self-concious. Babies and animals are the only ones that are safe but I have let them mirror my angst at times.

I'm pretty sure that the redose of Arnica has done nothing. My cough and gerd got much better before redosing, as well as the intense tooth sensitivity. My body feels heavy and out of sorts with sore hips, back and right shoulder. Gravity feels like a more mighty force, which has been a common issue these last twenty years especially. I feel no purpose in my life. Even if all of my physical issues miraculously vanished with the right remedy, I feel too emotionally tired out with myself and see no hope for our abused planet, nature and wildlife, and the values that were once so important but seem to have disappeared into our present shallow humanity.

I should add that many times since waking up this morning the phrase 'burst my bubble' would come to me with strong feelings and thoughts. Several times I would imagine myself in a safe and very comfy bubble and it would be popped. I would really look at that image and see and feel that the specific spot of impact or puncture was my liver area. I also felt my chest/heart area get very tight, I guess trying to protect myself.

I have been trying to describe the words you want but my mind feels really blocked. I will try again in a few hours. I took a walk hopeing that would relax me but I just kept seeing the 'burst my bubble' image.

It is so cold and we had our first snow of the season. I do not handle temperature changes well at all.


[message edited by tahbi on Fri, 28 Oct 2011 20:03:30 BST]
[message edited by tahbi on Fri, 28 Oct 2011 20:14:12 BST]

I agree about problems with counseling, it has only made me much worse every time. But that happened with doctors or even homeopaths in person asking simple questions that should not be loaded at all. I get bombarded with bits and pieces of thoughts, memories and eventually total humiliation because I can't just answer simply. Too much so I flush and need to get the hell out of there and never, ever see that person or be in that setting again.

Shell....
Protection. The clear image of a whole walnut with shell intact comes up even though walnuts now give me a bitter after-taste when I eat them (as well as potato skins). A membrane to keep what is inside safe and in the original natural condition. Or, like a hermit crab, it can be out and about doing what needs to be done, and since he always has the shell, when it's time to rest I'm assuming it is a completely peaceful, safe rest which lasts as long as the crab wants or needs to be inside, quiet (if crabs hear, lol), mellow because it's tight quarters and like a swaddled baby I suppose even crabs like to feel reassured that they are secure and not overexposed which could bring death or injury in certain situations. Ha, the lobster would be very different. I have always admired hermit crabs but not lobsters.

Ahhh, validation always makes me feel better!

Lobsters have a shell that is only an illusion as far as real security goes. Maybe it protects his body but he is still exposed. If I were a lobster I would prefer to be swaddled in close quarters like the hermit crab has - Going back to the womb, or egg in the crustaceans' case. Day to day challenges are 24/7 for the lobster even though he has a shell, yet when things get overwhelming at any time for the hermit crab, he can climb back in his comfy shell and have a much greater quality of rest and safety. With all of those many legs of the lobster, I would have a great need for swaddling.

By the way, I don't eat shellfish!

Yup, an extra comfy couch and blanket would be nice in there also. But there would need to be room for my dog and two cats....

Swimming - I could not get into the visualization earlier because of the different body I have now. Every time I would try to visualize I would get so very sad. I no longer do most of what physically and sensually felt so amazing to me in my life. Even cuddling and gentle caresses are no longer part of my life other than with my pets. So the following is going back to when my body already was struggling but for those hours it was heavenly...

I absolutely love to float. I can float for very extended times effortlessly on my my back, or my stomach in a fetal position as I am totally relaxed and by body bobs and shifts around due to any water current and gravity. I just hold my breath (when my lungs are good) and grab my bent knees with my arms. I usually flop first to the right in slow motion and then to the left, the fetal form of my body shifting gracefully with no struggle at all from me... just total relaxation. I can't remember the sound of it now that memory of many sounds has been getting more distant as my hearing loss grows deeper, but I think I can remember it sounds as soothing as it feels... like a combination of the softest fleece combined with the lightness and flow of the most sheer, delicate silk. And the sound is so gentle and soothing, like a baby's sweet coo while sleeping. There is no concept of time or the need for it while in the weightless, sensual cocoon. I am the only one I am aware of and it's such a blessing of sensuality and safety.

Floating on my back is wonderful also but I do not go as deep into purity. I begin stretched out on my back on the water and eventually, while working my breath to fill my lungs as deeply as possible, I am able to float with my arms stretched over my head resting on the water also. The most expensive sofa or bed in the world can't come close to the absolutely perfect support and relaxation that I feel from floating on my back. Time disappears and I am only aware of the rythm of my breathing to the gentle movement of the water.

If you want me to describe actual swimming rather than floating, let me know.

Swimming the crawl...
(Not my own body?)

Breath, rhythm, expansion, reaching but not rushing, metronome, meditative, the full sensation of every moment and every minute part of my body in relation to the water. Feet kicking as the steady background beat, and arm reaches forward, hand cuts into the water and stretches forward even more, hypnotic rhythm and dance between legs and feet kicking, arms taking turns reaching and pulling, head and neck skipping every other beat to turn, fill lungs with air and blow it way out in the water. Sound is so nurturing and relaxing from taking in breath, letting out breath, hand cuts in water, other hand cuts in water, the kicking is the background that is almost unnoticeable.