Seeking constitutional remedy for social phobia _{Page 11 of 20}

Please give instructions for taking it.

Please find this rubric: Fear of calling people by their names. That specific thing, accompanied by avoidance of eye contact, dislike of speaking in general, aversion to formality in general (My husband told me, “You don’t have any manners,” and he’s right, I’m afraid of them, it inexplicably gives me an inner shudder of horror), dislike of hearing one’s own voice, identity and recognition issues (not so much a lack of it as a troubled relationship to it), a feeling of an unbridgeable separation from society, estrangement from family, shame and guilt over these symptoms which only exacerbates it. That’s what we’re looking for. I obviously really needed the Carcinosin, and I crave even more of it because it makes me feel better on the inside, but it has become clear that, like everything else I’ve taken, it doesn’t even touch that stuff, it only makes the pain more bearable. I don’t think what I’m looking for will be anything really common, it seems logically like it can’t be, because one of the main causes of my troubles is that I strike people as odd.

Where I am now: Heartache and despair. I was feeling very happy up until Monday, and then my situation suddenly changed and my happiness went with it, so what I thought was an increase in my overall level of happiness was actually dependent on circumstances. I think I’ve just had my heart broken again. I had a friend, someone I was starting to grow close to, and even starting to trust a little. The last thing he said to me, as he left on Monday, was that they would be back later, or at least call. Now he has totally disappeared and will not return my calls. Totally unexpected, no explanation, no sign that things were going badly. I feel like I’m supposed to learn a lesson from it, but all the meanings I can think of are bleak and hopeless. A lesson in futility. I’ve been crying a lot, sobbing violently whenever I think about it.

One effect of the Carcinosin is that it made me feel more open and trusting, more like reaching out to people, but that ended badly. There’s no point in reaching out if there’s nothing there. And there isn’t, it’s always an illusion, always a false promise.

I would like permission to take a strong dose of Ignatia, please. I have taken up to 200c in the past, and it seems to help with stuff like that. I’m hurting too much, I have to do something about it.

Yes, recently. A couple of remedies back, remember? I took the 30c, I couldn't tell that it did anything at all. Should I try again?

No, I've never taken it.

I took a mystery remedy once, and I'm not certain that it wasn't Medorrhinum, in fact that's my main guess for what it was, but I don't know, nor do I know the potency. I'm certain that it wasn't any of the other things you've told me to take. There is no way now for me to find out what that was. So my question is, if that WAS a high potency of Medorrhinum, then will it harm me to take it again in a possibly lower potency? The mystery remedy was beneficial, with no negative side effects, but worked only on specific symptoms.

If I order from Helios (which I prefer because their prices are reasonable)I will have to order a 2nd remedy at the same time. Any suggestions?

It has been 19 days and I'll give a report soon but I get these headaches, they're unendurable, I've had one since yesterday, I get nausea with them, kind of a whole-body nausea. The only thing that helps is if I lie down in a dark room and stop trying to think or pay attention to anything. It can be hard to stop thinking. I can't think clearly with my head hurting like this but it just makes me try harder which doesn't help. I feel like I have a fever but I don't, it's an illusion.

Basically the remedy acted like it was doing something, it pushed a lot of emotional pain to the surface over a long period of time just like the Carcinosin did, and I could feel it moving some energy around, but now I don't know what has changed, it must be really subtle. I don't feel any more inclined to speak than I did before, I'm in a cynical mood but not unhappy. Except for the headache. I'm confused, I wish I could give a good answer but I can't right now. I'll try again later.

No, this didn't do it. I feel nervous and jumpy and I still can't speak.

What I mean by nervous and jumpy is that I am sensitive to noise and movement around me, especially if it is sudden. I have a young son who has been home for the holidays for 2 weeks and he's rambunctious and makes a lot of noise and pounces on me and it puts me on edge.

Also I am oversensitive to people, the way they speak to me and the way they look at me. If people are harsh or if they yell at me it sends shock waves through me.

Yes, I have a causeless aversion to certain people. And yes, my problems are worse with some people than others. But also, it is MOST people, to varying degrees. There are very few people I feel comfortable with.

Ok, good. I don’t think the Medorrhinum has even stopped working yet. I need to attempt a description of it, but I’ve been putting it off because it’s confusing.

When I first took it I thought it was going to be mild. The dreams I had on the first night were not emotionally charged, they were philosophical lectures on the importance of authenticity and simplicity, style vs. substance, so I thought that was what the remedy was going to be about. But then over the next few days it pushed a lot of emotional pain to the surface. Mainly a lonely, forsaken feeling which had nothing to do with circumstances, and which stood out as clearly delusional but I still felt it. Also I had an image of being alone in an underground prison.

The next thing, a few days later, is that my hands felt shaky and I kept having urges to shake my arms and head around, I guess to shake the tension out, or something like that. Or like I was trying to shake off something in my relationship to the space around me.

Throughout this whole time, my differentness and solitude only stood out more clearly, and I wanted to be alone. I wanted to meditate, I wanted to just move in my own direction. I often had the experience of wishing to be an animal, to be wild and free and never have to speak or be civilized. I would want to be a large, beautiful, dangerous mammal like a tiger or a wolf.

So, it’s like a door has opened, but one that leads not toward the world but to some expansive solitary place. Instead of straightening me out, I’m more resolved in my bentness.

Another thing that I’ve been aware of lately, it started before but has become clearer, it’s hard to explain but I hope I can:
Just in the last few months I’ve taught myself to play guitar, because I thought it would be therapeutic, and I play and sing a little every day. It’s important to me to use my voice, but I rarely do. I have tried playing for a few other people that I’m close to, but I get nervous and my voice comes out differently. Sure, that’s normal. But lately it makes me angry. Not angry at other people or even at myself, but angry at the barrier. Even when I’m alone, I can’t sing without feeling anger, like I’m fighting against something. And I think that’s where it echoes back to the dreams I had on the first night. I find that my voice and mannerisms are controlled by the presence of other people, like I’m a puppet. It isn’t about how well or how badly I’m performing, I don’t even care, even if I were performing brilliantly, if I were doing it for their benefit it would feel the same. I just want to feel my own will, to experience the internal freedom of finding and using my authentic voice, and using it in my own way, regardless of who is present. That has to come first, it’s a prerequisite to being able to cope with people.

But also I feel very guilty because there is no change in the social anxiety symptoms, and I feel like I’m weak and selfish and lazy for not being able to control it.

So, tell me whether or not I need the 1m.

It's not like there's no improvement. The ability to play music in front of other people is definitely an improvement, even if I get nervous. There is something. But the simple, direct forms of social interaction (such as looking at people and calling them by their name) still terrify me, I still can't even imagine being able to do it.

I think so. But I'm not really clear on what I would do if I weren't locked in.
When I see people behaving animalistically, like making a lot of noise or behaving in overtly sexual ways in public, I feel contempt and superiority; don't know if that would contradict that or not.

Ok, sounds good, thanks.