Seeking constitutional remedy for social phobia _{Page 10 of 20}

Ok but I've noticed there are different kinds of Carcinosin. Which one should I get?

Ok. After taking it I wanted to do nothing but sleep for about 3 days, which is probably a sign that it's doing something, but it's slow. I didn't even start to feel better until yesterday, which was 1 week after taking it. Before that I felt more oversensitive than usual. But I haven't had any more of the visual disturbances.

I wrote a long reply which wouldn't post and I don't want to rewrite it.
Basically, I have an increase in my desire to participate in life but feel frustrated by my continued inability to do so. Was wondering if I should take the 200c. I already have it because I ordered it at the same time, to fulfill the minimum order.

11 days after taking the 200c:
I like this one a lot but it's very slow-acting. The hibernation stage is just now starting to wear off and I don't think it has stabilized yet. Also I don't really feel secure in it and I'm afraid of it wearing off. You explained before that it won't wear off completely if it's the right remedy, but it's just that part of the feeling I have from it is anxiety about it wearing off. Like I felt like I was drowing before and now it's like coming up for air, and I'm afraid of falling back down.

I felt less detached from this remedy than any of the others. more like the pain it brought to the surface was really my own, instead of something I could stand back and observe.

I think it has been about 17 days now. Physically: I am itching all over and when I scratched my leg it started bleeding, my skin looks flushed, I have burning in the sides of my neck, I get stomach aches, I'm still very sleepy. mentally: I feel more subjectively comfortable, I'm not as tense or fidgety or afraid, but I still can't make eye contact or talk to people, so I don't think it's even about fear anymore, it's just inhibition. Possibly also an element of just not being ready to reconcile with the world. Having been shamed so often for not doing those things makes me unable to do them, I've noticed that about myself before, it poisons it so that doing the thing I've been shamed for not doing triggers the pain. For example, my husband criticized me very harshly for the way I hold a fork, which had not previously been an emotionally charged issue, but now it is, and if I try to do it the way he considers the correct way, it brings back the sound of his voice yelling at me and all the mean things he said.

That's all for now.

They have been ordered.

I’m going to give you an update, in as much detail as possible, of where things stand right now, in the hope that you can interpret.

Physical: Still itching a lot. I have a rash on my legs, it’s worst on my inner thighs, it comes and goes, it’s a patch of bumps that look like insect bites but aren’t. I have a pimple for the first time in over a decade. (A whitehead.) My tongue is coated orange. Actually it is striped orange on the outside and white in the middle. I looked at it multiple times and made sure it was clean to rule out the possibility of food stains. I have sinus irritation but I don’t feel congested. Or rather I do feel congested, but I am not, in the physical sense. My head hurts in a different place than before, it has moved from mostly on the right to mostly on the left, there is a specific spot deep in my brain, somewhere between my forehead and the root of my nose, and it’s worse with anger. It started out as an irritation in my nose and head like I need to sneeze, but as I said, I’m not actually congested, so it’s like the same feeling but at a deeper and less physical level, like something is trying to violently force its way out of my brain. It gets worse the angrier I get, and sometimes I feel as if I’m going to pass out from anger.

Mental: In general I am more relaxed, as I said before, but it seems like the inhibition and oversensitivity are worse. Everything I say comes out almost as a whisper, as if the impulse to speak gets lost somewhere on the way out. Except for when I’m alone, when my voice seems to flow more easily as a result of being less tense. I often have an urge to cry out or moan or laugh bitterly or make some other such vocalization, and if I’m alone I’ll go ahead and do it. This urge seems to come from the spot on the left side of my abdomen where I store emotional pain. I register everything as pain, if anyone says anything harsh to me or if strangers look at me. But in the last couple of days the pain is turning back into anger. I feel like I have an infinite amount of anger. It build up like a pressure in my head and makes me dizzy, and, as I said above, it can get to the point where I feel like I’m going to pass out. This is scary, because one of my biggest phobias is of losing consciousness (that’s why I don’t drink alcohol, because to dim it even a little is intolerable.) To suppress the anger seems worse; I think my vitality is mostly tied up in anger.

I don’t have any desire to hurt anybody, that would take too much energy and seems pointless and I really do want to be constructive, but it seems like it would feel very good to just call people what they are, such as “You are a rapist,” “You are a hypocrite,” “You are an abuser,” “You are a narcissistic jerk,” and so on. To the extent to which my rage is directed at innocent people, or just to everyone-in-general: I know it’s wrong, but the only people I feel sympathy for are children (I’m often bothered by the way I see people treat them), people who are mentally ill or otherwise handicapped, or very poor, or who have been abused or bullied, or are shy or sensitive, or are just weird and don’t fit in like me, or are nice and seem like genuinely good people. I feel a kind of reflexive contempt for everyone else. They seem smug to me.

The feeling of being an outsider is still as strong as ever. If there is a remedy for that, I think it’s what I will need next. It’s the reason for the above: the category of people that I resent (other than those who are actually evil), I think of as “insiders.” I am fully aware of how irrational this is, and I’m not crazy except on an emotional level, but it’s not something I can ever override with reasoning. I’ve never known the feeling of belonging anywhere, I can’t even imagine what it would be like, and I don’t even desire it, it seems too strange and alien. And yet I’m not really a loner either, relationships are all I care about, things only seem meaningful if I have someone to share them with, but I want a higher level of trust and honesty than anyone else seems to want.
(That’s all for now. That made me tired.)

Yes, thank you, tell me more.

Thank you.

Sameer, I'm not entirely sure the Carcinosin has stopped working yet, should I go ahead with that anyway? What is happening exactly?

Yes, that makes sense. Ok, I'll report in a week then.

The last weird physical thing was brief but I'll report it anyway: My skin turned red all over, like a niacin flush but I hadn't taken any niacin, accompanied by pain in my fingers, and I felt cold, so I covered up and went to sleep, and when I woke up it was gone. The intense rage that I was feeling before has subsided, and I've been in a good mood but kind of unfocused. It's undeniable that I feel a lot better in general after taking that last remedy, but it's hard to explain.

The other remedies I ordered have arrived so now I have all 3. What should I take next? I have more enthusiasm more the Carcinosin because I liked the last dose so much, and I'm wondering if it will get even better.

I don't think it has been a week yet but here is an update:

I went to a new psychiatrist, and I felt like it went well. I felt much more confident and at ease than I have ever felt in that kind of setting before, and I was pleased with it. But he only noticed all the things I was doing wrong, and kept saying I looked uncomfortable and miserable. And he tried to push antidepressants on me like they always do, and I refused like I always do. I still felt ok about it for the rest of the day, and then I woke up in the middle of the night feeling violated like I usually do after dealing with people like that.

So: I feel better on the inside, but I apparently still don't seem normal on the outside.

Also I've noticed I still have a lot of insecurities about whether I'm strong enough to deal with other people and whether they will take advantage of me. And I still get shaky when I have strong emotions.

It's definitely all about other people, so it's not that I'm nonsocial, it's the opposite. It matters too much, and I've become too jaded. It seems like it's very important to trust people, and yet I've learned that it's a mistake to. Or something.

No new developments. May I take the 1m?

Please give instructions for taking it.