Seeking constitutional remedy for social phobia _{Page 12 of 20}

Sameer, I had some obstacles to ordering the remedies this time but they are finally here. I have Germanium Metallicum LM1 and also 1m. I would like to take something tomorrow.

Thank you. :)

Unclear results. The only thing that stands out is that it seems to take less willpower to do things, which I remember from the last time I took Germanium too. I like that a lot. Also my mood was improved for a while. No breakthroughs in my dealings with people, but I think I would like to try more anyway (If I can get more work done maybe it will take my mind off it.) Should I order LM2, or can I take the 1m?

Sameer, I have not taken the repeat dose yet because I wasn't sure if the first dose had stopped working because I felt strange. I think I'm going to take it in the next few days unless you tell me to do something different.

There isn't a significant difference in social anxiety, I still automatically avert my eyes whenever I encounter anyone, it's like I'm trying to build a screen around myself or something. I feel basically comfortable as long as I can do that, which I think might be an improvement over a couple of years ago, but I think some of the improvements have even faded a little, I was feeling more bold for a while but now I just want to be in a shell, it's safer, more comfortable. I don't have anything to say to anyone anyway.

So I was examining it, trying to figure out what is really at the root of it, hoping that understanding it might lead to the way out, and it's really very simple:

The think I've heard over and over like a mantra my whole life is that people are wondering what is wrong with me. Not IF there is anything wrong but WHAT is wrong. And they don't trace it to anything specific. I know for sure that the original scar that I never recovered from, the one that set my whole life in this direction, came my first year of school and was the result of being under that kind of scrutiny. I've had it reinforced over and over my whole life and I still hear it.

Therefore when I am among people, the background assumption is that they are wondering what is wrong with me, and I've learned again and again that this assumption is generally correct.

Beyond just hurting my feelings or embarrassing me, it hurts my mind to try to grapple with this, it's an eternal sore spot made worse by the nonspecific nature of it, because it's impossible to understand. It's like I'm always having to apologize and I don't even know what for. And the fact that I have actually been arrested for no reason other than that I give off this vibe has made me feel unconsciously like it's illegal to be me.

I do understand intellectually that I'm drawing more of the same by expecting it, but I don't know how to break the pattern. Also I feel in some sense like it might be too late because I have seen so much of that side of people that I can't go back and unsee it. Even if I were able to change my energy field so that they react more positively to me, I would only be able to see it with cynicism, because I have seen that side of them and I know it's in there even if I'm no longer on the receiving end of it.

Is it ok if I beat on it more than 8 times? The reason I ask is because I already did. It felt like it needed it.

Ok, done. It seemed a lot stronger this time than the last time. I feel very bad right now but I've learned to recognize that as a good sign. I will give an update when I start to recover.

Lycopodium, thanks for the information, I looked it up.

Today I had a very bad panic attack which was like the ones I was having before, with the bright colors and sense of unreality. I was sitting on a bench downtown and it came on suddenly. I felt strange, everything looked different, my hands and feet were sweating, I was numb and shaky and uncoordinated, I had a feeling of pressure in my head, my eyes, nose and throat felt dry and irritated, my breathing felt awkward, forced and unsatisfying. I was terrified that I would lose consciousness. I called both of my two friends, because I wanted someone to talk me through it and keep me connected to the world, but neither of them was available.

When I am having a panic attack the thing that calms me down quickest is if I take a bath, so I did that immediately when I got home and it worked.

After it passed I started thinking about my parents, how they want me to love them now but they were never there when I was growing up, how they say they love me but it's just a word and nothing they've ever done has really demonstrated it and they don't know me, I'm a total stranger to them so whatever they think they feel about me is a delusion. I used to feel sentimental affection for them and I never blamed them, I blamed the people they had left me with, but my outlook changed after my son was born because that was the first time I really understood the meaning of what they had done. I was angry for a while but now I don't even feel anger anymore, just coldness. So I cried briefly but with no tears, just a full-body shudder.

Still no change in the level of social avoidance. Now aware of the same numbness and sense of resignation to that.

I have ordered it but I'm still curious what would happen if I took even more Germanium. I'm intrigued by it.

Here's something that happened just since I last wrote to you: One day I spontaneously realized I'm weary of feeling hostility. That having to feel that way about what people do is more unpleasant than what they're actually doing, and I'm just not motivated to keep it up. That was all, it wasn't like I was suddenly coming from a higher moral ground or like I felt any more love for them, it was just an insight born out weariness on how to streamline my energy usage. And then the next time I was downtown after that, I didn't get mad at anybody, even the man who tried to pick me up, and I even noticed when people were polite.

This is obviously an example of a long-standing reflex going away, which makes me think the other ones can too, which gives me hope.

It seems like the Germanium is still doing good things. Nothing really dramatic, but I think it's making me smarter at a faster rate, because I keep seeing how stupid my habitual ways of thinking have been, wondering how I could believe those things for so long. So I think it's an important remedy for me. Since I know I'm still stupid in a lot of ways, I'd be interested in trying even more, but do I have to keep taking it from that same bottle?

Alternately, I am also curious about that new remedy that you recommended, which I have.

That makes sense, and I like the remedy, but here's the problem: The primary symptoms remain unchanged. At first I was so interested in the changes that WERE happening that I forgot about it for a while, because I've had this problem all my life and I'm used to it, I tend to despair of any real change happening so I've had to learn to sometimes enjoy my life anyway. But now the frustration is coming back.

Is it still possible that it can help that even if it hasn't yet?

Also it will be a long time before I'm able to order the LM2 due to my current banking situation.

I didn't like it as much this time. I've had a lot of despair since taking the LM2, and I haven't had any energy. I don't know whether it's a negative reaction or if it's just part of the healing process. What makes me think maybe a negative reaction is that I feel physically weak, and what makes me think maybe it's working after all is that I'm still having occasional flashes on insight (although they're usually accompanied by despair because I see all the wrong things I've been doing but still don't really know how to do the right things, or I feel like I don't have the ability to.)It has been almost 3 weeks.

Since taking it I keep having dreams about returning to childhood to relearn things. For example in some of them I have gone back to high school. And in general, a longing to return to an earlier time and start over.

What else should I order with it?

Sameer, I want to be a homeopath. I find it deeply fascination, and I think it's the sort of thing I could do well. I don't have money so I can't enroll in an expensive school. What is the way in, in that case?

Ok, thanks. I have done so.
Update on the remedy: After the 3rd week the most recent dose of Germanium finally started to have a positive effect, although it's still subtle. So now I don't know what to do because I want to do this right but the Germanium always takes about a month, makes me feel depressed for several weeks, and then makes changes that only I can see. I know that's what really matters, but still, to explain what I mean:

I had to go to an interview with a government agency. I thought it went fine, I felt very comfortable, for me, but the counselor I was talking to told me things that in the past would have been really hurtful, like that it didn't seem like I would be able to get a job because I seem really weird. Those were her words. The last time I had an experience like that I got depressed afterward, but I feel ok now, so I must be getting less sensitive to what people think.

So although that's obviously progress and I like it, it would be really good if I could someday NOT seem really weird to people. It would help me get by in the world. But I guess that's more superficial than my mental state so I shouldn't focus on it?

So basically I'm impatient for something to happen that hasn't happened yet, which makes me want to switch remedies, but I'm worried about whether that's the right approach.

It's just that I'm feeling sort of claustrophobic in here. And lonely. I want to live.

The counselor said I wouldn't look at her, so I guess I still have a problem with eye contact.

How big of a deal is it to switch remedies when it's still working? Does it mess everything up, or can I just come back to it if the new one doesn't help? If I stick with the Germanium, can I jump to the next potency? I already have LM3, and it feels better when I hold it than the LM2 does, so maybe I just need something stronger. Is there a way to become more certain of what to do?